in Creativity, Motivation, Philosophy, Psychology

Extrospection Sucks – 4 Steps To Yield Better Results

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems — not people; to focus your energies on answers — not excuses.” — William Arthur Ward

On a planet with 7 billion people there’s bound to be times when someone is going to piss you off.

They’re either going to say or do something stupid or hurtful, and you’re going to ignore it, swallow it, or lash out.

How you handle these things will depend in large part on how you’ve learned to deal with it so far, and what you’ll read next.

Here’s a 4 step guide on dealing with annoying shit by introspection.

  1. Feel the feels and accept that you’re feeling hurt, annoyed, angry, etc.
  2. Replay the situation in your mind objectively, without judging whether what was said or done is right or wrong.
  3. Look inside yourself and try to find out why you reacted the way you did.
  4. Now, replay the situation in your mind again. Only this time the way you’d like to react in the future.

Also, here’s a 4 step guide how NOT to deal with annoying shit by extrospection.

  1. Look only at what the other person did, ignore your own feelings and pretend like it doesn’t bother you as much as it really does.
  2. Replay the situation in your mind. Judging and casting the other person as the villain.
  3. Look outside yourself for validation that the person must in fact be a natural born asshole with no redeeming qualities, and that your reaction was completely valid.
  4. Now, replay the situation over and over again without seeing any other possible outcome. Going through the steps again and again.
Introspection

Wally, the annoying wall.

The reason I’m focusing so much on you and not on the other person is that there’s very little we can do to change what’s happened.

Yes, you can tell them that what they did upset you. Yes, you can explain how you want to be treated in the future. In fact, you should do those things. Otherwise the person might think that it’s OK to behave like that.

But here’s the thing. What they did triggered something in YOU. While they’re responsible for their actions, they aren’t responsible for your reactions. That’s on you.

When you tell people to stop doing whatever it is that’s annoying you, you’re avoiding the fact that there might be something that you need to deal with.

I’ll give you an example.

I’m listening to an interesting audiobook when getting on the bus home. I notice a guy sitting sideways with his legs sticking out in the aisle.

I keep walking and make it clear that I’m going to go past his legs. Does he move them? No.

Now, this fucking annoys me. So I intentionally bump into them. Hard.

I take my seat, still listening to the audiobook, and hear: “Hey! Hey you!”

Seriously? Why the fuck is this guy, who was clearly obstructing the aisle, attempting to make contact? Dude, you were in the wrong. STFU.

I look over at him and he says something like: “Aren’t you going to apologize? You could’ve hurt my legs!”

What a fucking moronic thing to say.

I don’t respond verbally, I just give him bug eyes and a shrug to signal two things: “No shit!” and “I don’t give a fuck”. After which I keep listening to my audiobook.

Was that the mature thing to do? Hell no.

Did I feel good about it?

Yes. Yes I did.

Here I’m just judging his behavior and glossing over what I did. Even more importantly WHY I did it.

After some introspection I could see that the reason I reacted that way was because of feeling both ignored and in some way feeling bullied. I took it as a personal affront that the guy acted this way.

I could lay it all on him and continue to justify my actions. Or, I could look inside myself and understand that while he objectively was obstructing the aisle, my reaction didn’t have all that much to do with the objective behavior itself. It had far more to do with what I brought to the situation.

Since this isn’t how I want to behave I’ll replay the situation as I want it to unfold in the future. Does this guarantee that I will? Nope. But it’ll increase the likelihood.

There’s an issue I need to address though.

The reason I’m writing this is because I see the tendency to look outward in myself and many others as well.

However, the opposite might be cause for issues as well.

When you introspect in this way, you need to make sure you don’t have the tendency to look at yourself too much or to critically. My point isn’t to lay all the responsibility on you for how situations unfold. That’s unrealistic, and no one can take all the credit or blame.

There are countless other factors at play and I’m only focusing on what you have at least some control over. It’s important that it doesn’t turn into navel-gazing.

You should look outside yourself every now and then. But again, that’s not always what’s going to yield the greatest rewards.

  1. Feel the feels and accept that you’re feeling hurt, annoyed, angry, etc.
  2. Replay the situation in your mind objectively, without judging whether what was said or done is right or wrong.
  3. Look inside yourself and try to find out why you reacted the way you did.
  4. Now, replay the situation in your mind again. Only this time the way you’d like to react in the future.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this article. Please leave a comment, share, and subscribe for more.

Have a kick-ass ₢eative day!

Twitter | Facebook | info@zacscy.com

Spara

Write a Comment

Comment