“I write songs that are like diary entries. I have to do it in order to feel sane.”
— Taylor Swift
During the weekend I had a chance to pick up my journal from 2004.
Holy shit, was I antisocial back then!
Looking back it doesn’t feel like that long ago, at the same time it feels like a minor eternity. Especially given how much has changed both in the world and within me.
I was surprised when I read passages about things I thought my future self would agree with that felt completely foreign to me now. What I thought about society, philosophy, psychology etc. Things that I was dead certain about in my late teens and early 20’s turned out to be dead wrong.
Thinking back now I remember what it felt like to have that youthful arrogance and single-mindedness. There was a lot of rage that fueled my ambition.
It was really cool to see the journey I made between 2004 and 2007. How I changed, evolved and the things I learned during those years.
After I read the last 2 entries in the diary I got chills. The second to last one was about the infamous night of alcohol & drugs after whicg I decided to stop. It seems I skipped writing a couple of key points about it.
At the same time there were things that I didn’t remember until I read them. For example, when I’ve retold the story to others I remembered it as us taking the night bus home when we, according to the journal, actually took a cab.
There are other details that that highlight the fact that my brain has combined two different events into one. So, basically they’ve become lies I tell myself and others to make sense of that period in my life. Who knows, perhaps it’s for the better?
The last entry was a couple of days before I moved to Stockholm and made several changes in my life. When I compare the joy I express in that entry to the way I used to be just months before, I can’t believe it.
Just a short while later I would be on a new path in my life, experiencing things with a sober and more loving mind. There were still struggles ahead that I didn’t know about but the sheer enthusiasm of that period was palpable.
On new year’s day 2014 I began writing about my experiences again. This time in the form of a blog. This time it was geared towards sharing my experiences with others as well as making sense of my own thoughts.
As I’ve continued to write I’ve understood how much I’ve missed it during the years. It was a tremendous source of relief and connection to a part of myself that I’d ignored during my 6½ year absence.
Now 2½ years of writing later I’ve come to see that while there’s a lot we can learn and change about ourselves, certain things only come with the passage of time.
While it’s true that quality is greater than quantity, by the sheer virtue of having spent more time in life we gain experience that quality can’t always give us.
That’s why I feel it’s helpful to imagine the future and revisit the past but as much as we can live in the now.
Have a kick-ass ₢eative day!