“I always wondered if there was a purpose to the universe, if there was a plan, if there was some sort of organizing factor, hopefully that I played a role in.”
– John Green
So much input today, with very little output to show for it.
I’m having a friend over in a couple of hours. And here I am, asking that thing, whatever it is, to “Please, please, give me something to write about!”
What I’m getting is an answering machine saying: “Can’t talk. Busy. You’re on your own, kid. Just you and your work.”
I want something positive, upbeat, optimistic and all there really is, is “the process”.
So, I sit back, put my hands behind my head and just stare at the ceiling for a while.
The phone rings. It’s mom.
Her battery’s almost dead so she wants to finish it off so she can feel good about recharging. “The battery will last longer that way!” or something like that.
I’m slightly annoyed. Not at her, but at the lack of shit getting done.
We talk a little and she mentions a Russian singer whose voice she’s madly in love with. All she can remember is his first name, Dmitri.
Luckily she’s kind of versed when it comes to music so she describes his voice as a baritone and recalls that he sang some Russian songs that I heard as a kid, only in Finnish.
To hear her speak about it feels inspiring. Maybe there’s something there?
While we’re talking I’m doing a little bit of Googling and find “Dmitri Hvorostovsky”. He matches the description but I don’t want to interrupt our talk so we go on about defrosting freezers and speculate about our ancestry.
When we’re finished I hop on Spotify and listen to some tunes. Ok, Italian opera that doesn’t suit my tastes, skip that.
I go through some albums listening for something, anything that’ll spark an idea.
Then there’s that one song, “Moskovskie okna (Moscow Windows)” that immediately sends me back to when I was 6 years old. I get the chills. I remember listening to a Finnish radio program and that song playing. Well, the Finnish version of it.
It’s in the kitchen. A smell of Blend, Long Drinks and perfume. Mom’s going out dancing tonight.
Grandma’s babysitting and we’ll watch TV, eat chips and drink orange juice.
And that was all I wanted to do back then. Really simple.
Pretty soon I wanted to be a rockstar, then a music producer, then create video games, then write and that’s just about where I am now. That’s 25 years worth of things I wanted to do. Summed up in a flash.
At every stage there was a lot of happiness. There was also some pain. But the happiness is what I really want to remember.
What I’m getting at is that I don’t know what I’m going to want next. Right now I would’ve settled for some “ha-ha’s” but I didn’t really get that this time.
The song coupled with the fact that this hasn’t been the most productive day left me with a bittersweet feeling.
I don’t know if I’m going to wake up tomorrow and decide I want to pursue something completely different, and I don’t think we’re supposed to.
If the entire world changes while we sleep (Which it kind of does. Surprise!) then we’ll have to adapt to that. We can’t pretend like it didn’t just happen.
When I’m at my highest I want to join the pantheon of literary gods.
Well, hello Mr. Ego! I see you’re still driving around that Hubris of yours?
At times like this, when nothing much is coming, I just want to see a scion of a story somewhere. Preferably from some weird little quirk or foible about us humans.
But again, this is all I get today. The process.
And I love it.
Have a kick-ass ₢eative day!